Mueller Reminds Congress Report Doesn’t Exonerate Trump From Assassination Of President Lincoln

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his 29-hour-long testimony to Congress earlier this week, former special counsel Robert Mueller was quick to remind lawmakers that his report on Russian interference in the 2016 election did not exonerate Trump from the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln in 1865.

“Now I want to be clear,” he said, “that while this report did not find the president guilty of obstruction of justice or collusion with the Russians, it also does not exonerate him from the assassination of President Lincoln.” 

Confused congresspeople sat in silence, looking at one another awkwardly.

“While we couldn’t place him at Ford’s Theatre on the evening of April 14, 1865, we could not confirm he wasn’t present, either,” Mueller continued. “That is for Congress to decide.”

One congressperson asked Mueller if Trump could be charged with the crime of shooting Lincoln in the head when he leaves the White House.

Mueller thought for a moment. “I don’t want to answer that. But yes.”

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