BALTIMORE, MD—According to expert biologists working in Guilder’s infamous Fire Swamp, millions of R.O.U.S.es—Rodents of Unusual Size—have begun a “great migration” from the deadly thicket to the scenic, idyllic city of Baltimore.
“Due to deforestation by Guilder woodsmen and a sharp increase in tourism prompted by the documentary The Princess Bride, R.O.U.S.es have found their home threatened and are seeking more disgusting pastures,” said a wildlife expert in the Fire Swamp. “Many people are trying to build summer homes here as well, as the trees are actually quite lovely.”
He then dodged deftly to one side as he heard a popping noise, and just in time, as he narrowly avoided a flame geyser bursting from the ground. “Easy enough to avoid,” he said, smiling.
Unfortunately, he stepped right into a pit of lightning sand and died.
It’s a difficult trip the rodents have to make, as they must descend the Cliffs of Insanity, survive a swim across a channel infested with shrieking eels, tiptoe around the Zoo of Death, and finally board a boat for Baltimore. Only a few hundred thousand survive the journey and take up residence on the streets of Baltimore, where “the streets run rampant with trash” and “the feces flow like milk and honey.”
Many people don’t think the R.O.U.S.es exist, but they are wrong, as you can go to Baltimore and see for yourself.
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