Russian assets in America: A field guide

If the mainstream media is to be believed, the Kremlin’s network of hackers and bots could give the Illuminati a run for its money. When its operatives aren’t electing British prime ministers, embarrassing American politicians on debate night and flogging dildos to undermine democracy, they’re overseeing a team of assets earning their borscht openly in the United States.

Thankfully, the intrepid detectives in the American press have named and shamed these double agents. We’ve compiled a list here.

Mitch McConnell, alias: Moscow Mitch McTreason

Cleverly posing as a Republican Senator from Kentucky since 1985, Mitch McConnell was outed as a Russian asset by the Washington Post last week when he shot down a trio of bills that would have supposedly beefed up American election security from foreign interference. 

Never mind that McConnell opposed the bills based almost entirely on partisan disagreements with the Democrats, the Post exclaimed “Mitch McConnell is a Russian asset,” and MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough dubbed the southern Republican “Moscow Mitch.” 

With his nefarious plan exposed, #MoscowMitchMcTreason had no choice but to shrug, and continue about his day.

Asset Rank: 3/10, far too easily exposed

Lindsey Graham, alias: Leningrad Lindsey

#LeningradLindsey began trending after the South Carolina lawmaker helped push a controversial asylum bill through the Senate Judiciary Committee on Thursday. Though the bill had nothing to do with Russia, the nickname stuck. 

Cleverly, Leningrad Lindsey has spent his career on Capitol Hill posing as a Russia-baiter. Graham has repeatedly called for Russia to “pay a price” for allegedly meddling in the 2016 presidential election, and co-sponsored an anti-Russia “sanctions bill from hell.” With a record like that, nobody would suspect that he was secretly a Russian asset all along.

Note too that Leningrad does not exist any more. Perhaps Graham’s treachery dates back to the communist era? Either that or Letnerechenskiy Lindsey didn’t have the same ring to it.

Asset rating: 10/10, excellent cover

Donald Trump

There is absolutely zero need to spell out the case against President Donald Trump. He’s clearly a Russian asset, and has been since Soviet times. He rigged the 2016 election, paid Russian hackers to give Hillary Clinton’s emails to WikiLeaks, had Russian dressing on his salad that one time, and remains in constant telepathic contact with Vladimir Putin.

However, were it not for the brave detective work of CNN, MSNBC, Buzzfeed, Hollywood actresses and late night comedians, Trump might just have gotten away with it. The collusion was so well hidden that not even an FBI probe and a two-year-long investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller could find a trace of it.

Asset rating: Yuge, the biggest

Hamburgers, aka: Stalin’s Sandwiches

Ahh hamburgers, the cornerstone of the American diet. President Trump is known for his fondness for the handheld calorie-bombs, which set alarm bells ringing at Washington Post headquarters.

Lo and behold, the Post found out that “even one of Trump’s favorite foods has a hidden Russia connection.” The story goes that then-Soviet food minister Anastas Mikoyan visited the US in 1936 and brought home some hamburger-making machines. The Russians took to the American staple with glee, and after putting a few of their own twists on them, renamed them “Mikoyan cutlets.”

Though the Post didn’t elaborate any further, the Russian plot is visible if you read between the lines. In his infinite duplicitousness, Vladimir Putin clearly funds the American hamburger industry in a bid to fatten and weaken the American people. If two years of Russophobic coverage have taught us anything, it’s that no story is too far-fetched to be true.

Asset rating: $2.99, would you like fries with that?

The Washington Post, aka: The Moscow Meddler

There is precisely zero evidence to suggest that the Washington Post is a Russian asset. However, that evidentiary standard hasn’t stopped the Post from labeling Trump, McConnell and Ronald McDonald as Russian agents. 

Based on that logic, we have no reason to disbelieve Donald Trump’s assertion this week that the Capitol’s paper of record is in fact an asset of the Kremlin.

Asked by reporters on Tuesday to respond to the Post’s ‘Moscow Mitch’ story, President Trump said, “The Washington Post called Mitch McConnell what? I think the Washington Post is a Russian asset by comparison.”

Asset rating: 10/10, на здоровье Comrade Bezos

We hope this guide has laid bare the extent of the Russian operation in America. However, we fear that the stooges exposed here are only the tip of the iceberg. Join us next week when we take a closer look at Barney the Dinosaur, Beyoncé, and Mister Snuffleupagus, all of whom are suspected Russian assets too.

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