Democratic Socialist Convention Forced To Communicate Via Interpretive Dance To Avoid Offending Any Attendees

ATLANTA, GA—The 2019 National Convention of the Democratic Socialists of America got off to a good start, with presenters, speakers, and DSA leaders giving inspiring speeches and policy papers while being really, really careful not to use any gendered language.

But the complaints began to roll in from attendees anyway.

Eventually, one attendee, who identifies as an owlbear, stood up and bellowed into a microphone, “POINT OF PERSONAL PRIVILEGE: LANGUAGE ITSELF REPRESENTS SPECIES SUPREMACY AND IS VERY TRIGGERING TO ME,” threatening the entire convention. After a brief pantomimed discussion, conference organizers came up with a solution: they would just use interpretative dance.

Conference speakers then gave speeches calling for the death of capitalism and the seizure of the means of production entirely by coordinated dance numbers. One particularly powerful dance entitled “The Blood Flows from the Animal Farm and It Is Delicious” had dancers reenact the Bolshevik Revolution. It would have garnered a standing ovation, but standing is considered ableism, so it only got jazz hands. Then a man without hands performed a scathing solo dance routine to inform everyone that jazz hands were very triggering to him. Everyone tried to apologize with sign language but only made things worse.

Finally, the convention was brought to a standstill when a white girl said dancing in rhythm with a song was offensive to her culture.

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