PORTLAND, OR—In a poll of the most wretched hives of scum and villainy in the universe, Portland has overtaken Mos Eisley for the first time.
“Yeah, Mos Eisley’s pretty dangerous, sure,” said Wuher, who runs a cantina in downtown Mos Eisley. “But criminals here have a code of honor. Just last week, a guy shot a bounty hunter in cold blood right over at that table there. But do you know what he did? He paid me for the mess. That’s classy. You don’t see that kind of stuff in Portland.”
“They’re real discriminatory against people they don’t like over there, I hear,” he added. “We don’t hate people here. Except for droids. I hate droids. We don’t serve their kind here.”
Ponda Baba, a thug and regular hangout at Wuher’s bar, says he won’t even set foot in Portland. “I got my arm cut off here in Mos Eisley, but it’s not like people were throwing bricks at me for my political affiliation. We have standards. And to be honest, I was kinda being a real jerk at the time. I mostly deserved it.”
Those surveyed cited a strong military presence in Mos Eisley that helped make them feel safe, while Portlanders said there’s no rule of law to stop the chaos.
Both cities narrowly edged out Washington, D.C., sources confirmed at publishing time.
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