GRAND TERRACE, CA—According to sources at Wildfire Church, local pastor Jake Larson coughs or sneezes every time he comes across an obscure, nearly unpronounceable Bible name during his sermons.
Whenever he has to read one of the genealogies out loud or comes across an unpronounceable name in an otherwise easy-to-read passage, he fires off one of his patented, Spirit-driven coughing fits.
“And COUGH begat AH-CHOO, who begat AHEM, who begat SNORT,” he said as he began reading the Word out loud Sunday morning. “Excuse me—seems to be some kind of dust in the air here. I’ll continue.” He then read the rest of the list and hacked and wheezed every third word, ensuring he didn’t have to even attempt to read the almost incomprehensible names sprinkled throughout the text.
“These names are scattered like landmines in the passages,” he told reporters later. “The key is to get a convincing cough or sneeze ready to go and then fire away as soon as a name like Mahershalalhashbaz sneaks up on you.”
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