NEW YORK, NY—The Anti-Defamation League has issued a new recommendation for people who want to avoid making any problematic hand gestures: cutting off your hands.
In a video published to its site, the ADL showed how to safely cut off your hands and prove once and for all you are not a racist.
“You can immediately spot racists by their bowl haircuts, their swastika tattoos, and of course, their hands,” said an ADL spokesperson in the video. “The truly woke and pure of heart will cut off hate and also their hands just to make sure they don’t accidentally dispaly any troubling hand gestures, such as the OK symbol, the numbers 1-10, clapping, giving a thumbs-up, and the billion other common racist dog whistles.”
Carl Jenkins, a repentant white man, volunteered to cut off his own hands for the video in order to demonstrate how white people can be redeemed from their racism. “With this hatchet, I now cut myself off from my latent white supremacy forever,” he said solemnly before bringing the small hand axe down on his other hand. “Aggggghhh!!!!”
“That cry you just heard,” said the video’s narrator, “is the sound of white supremacy leaving the body. Isn’t it beautiful?”
The ADL also recommends shaving off your hair so you avoid any offensive haircuts, though that then makes you a skinhead. So they say you ought to cut off your head just to be on the safe side.
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