DALLAS, TX—Ellen DeGeneres has been forced to come out of the closet as a conservative after she was spotted treating a political foe with respect.
Friends and family members have suspected she was a closeted conservative for years.
“She was always, like, smiling and talking with other people, even people she disagreed with,” said a tearful Portia de Rossi. “I thought maybe she was just experimenting, but a full-blown conservative—I never feared it was this bad.” De Rossi said that she’s caught DeGeneres hiding in their giant walk-in closet listening to Ben Shapiro’s podcast.
“I assumed she was just trying to find his weakness so she could punch him one day. I never in my wildest dreams thought she’d been turned.”
DeGeneres came out to her fans in a special episode of her show yesterday.
“This is who I am,” she said. “I’m a conservative, and I’m loud and proud. I can’t hide my identity any longer. I have to be true to myself.”
Audience members threw non-GMO tomatoes at her and she was forced to flee the set. She has been replaced with a more appropriate liberal spokesperson, Alyssa Milano, who will bring a different conservative on the show each week and punch them.
Babylon Bee subscriber Peter Bariteau contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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