EUGENE, OR—Local extreme vegan Tarnnus Hemlock has taken his disdain for meat to new levels with his recent decision to undergo a complete meat-reduction surgery, having over 99% of his meat removed from his body. “I told them I wanted it all gone. No rib meat, no steaks, no hindquarters, no drumsticks. Meat is murder and I’m trying to live a life beyond all that,” Hemlock told reporters.
Hemlock checked into Coastal Cosmetic Surgery last Wednesday and began the procedure, surgeons removing the meat one piece at a time. “We were going to try to keep the skin, but it didn’t fit well after the meat was removed,” said Dr. Klamhamer, the head surgeon. Hemlock said he was fine with removing the skin since skin is a lot like thin-sliced deli turkey which is murder too. “There is not much meat on the skull so we kept the face and hair intact at Mr. Hemlock’s request,” Klamhamer said. The surgeon also removed all of Hemlock’s internal organs since those can also be used in gravies and other pro-cruelty dishes.
“I’m living meat-free and loving it,” Hemlock announced on Instagram along with a photograph of himself displaying his new meatless body in front of an organic avocado stand at the local farmer’s market. “I feel so much cleaner and my spirit feels so much more peaceful without all that barbaric meat all over me all the time.”
The waste from Hemlock’s surgery was donated to the local animal shelter.
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