IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible.
Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history’s first murder without access to some kind of assault weapon since guns are the root of all violence. Now, there’s proof, in the form of Cain’s personal, heavily customized AR-15.
“Cain was planning on using a rock, but the area was designated as a rock-free zone,” said one leading scholar at the dig site. “So of course, he had to use the next best thing: an AR-15.”
“If only there were sensible gun control laws, humanity’s first-ever homicide could have been avoided.” Researchers believe Cain bought the gun illegally, however, utilizing a little-known gun show loophole.
Several spent shell casings were discovered nearby. The gun had scary features like a handle, a stock, a barrel, and an “eye-looky thingy,” according to media firearm experts at the site. All of these features made the murder “triple bad,” since if it had just looked like a wooden hunting rifle, it would not be as scary.
At publishing time, scholars had also discovered a ticket stub to the Joker movie nearby, suggesting Cain was a white male incel influenced by Joaquin Phoenix’s disturbing performance.
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