LONDON—Parliament announced Monday the installation of new narwhal tusk surrender bins throughout the UK after a citizen was seen attacking an austere religious scholar using one of the deadly weapons.
Citizens are to return their dangerous narwhal tusks to the anonymous surrender bins immediately.
“Don’t make a fuss — surrender your tusk,” said MPS Commissioner Cressida Dick in a passionate plea for Londoners and those in other UK cities to surrender their sharpened tusks. “We have seen the damage these can do when a peaceful member of the religion of peace is just trying to spread his peace in peace. We must make London safe again by giving up all our mammalian tusks to the government.”
Dick also reminded citizens that elephant tusks, rhinoceros horns, and porcupine quills are all dangerous, deadly weapons that just might get up and attack somebody on their own. Citizens are encouraged to take their sharpened animal horns that they are forced to defend themselves with in the absence of guns, knives, and any other pointed objects, and drop them in the bins, “no questions asked.”
“If you see something, mate, by Jove, say something, cheerio,” she said.
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