DEERFIELD TOWNSHIP, OH—Walmart representatives have confirmed that local front end associate Mark Howe was institutionalized after hearing one too many Christmas songs this holiday season.
The incident occurred after the store began playing “Wonderful Christmastime” for the fourth time that day.
“MAKE THE JINGLE BELLS STOP!” he growled while foaming at the mouth. “Ha. Ha ha ha. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! JINGLE ALL THE WAY! SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS SHOES WE WISH YOU A MERRY LAST CHRISTMAS ROCKING AROUND THE OH CHRISTMAS TREE OH CHRISTMAS TREE HOW LOVELY ARE YOUR BRANCHES HAAAAAAA!!!”
“THE TREES OH I SEE THE TREES I CAN HEAR THEM SINGING OH YES I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU HEAR OH YES THE BEES NOT THE BEES THEYRE COMING FOR ME THEYRE COMING FOR US ALL!’
Howe was dragged away in a straitjacket still screaming about the bells and the trees and chestnuts roasting on an open fire, “a fire that will one day take us all to the void.”
“This happens from time to time,” said a Walmart spokesperson. “He wasn’t the first, and he won’t be the last.”
The employee was quickly replaced by a self-checkout machine, though the robotic device quickly went insane from the Christmas tunes as well.
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