WIZARDING WORLD—Activists descended on embroiled wizarding school Hogwarts today after it was revealed that the institution still has separate dormitories for boys and girls.
An independent investigator discovered that bigoted school prefects would instruct boys and girls to sleep in separate areas, as though biological sex is a real thing. The school even has dances where each boy asks a girl if she’d like to attend with him. The boys and girls dress differently and do different parts of the dance together, as though they are biologically designed to fulfill different roles and enjoy different things.
“Get this: as soon as you’re sorted into your houses, you’re told to go to a dormitory based on something called ‘biological sex,’ which is a hateful myth created by anti-science bigots,” said one protester holding a “Magic is Female” sign. “This is an archaic vestige of a less civilized age, when we hadn’t yet discovered the scientific truth that there is no difference between men and women and also that everything is meaningless.”
The protesters began casting Molotov Incendio spells and Throwus Brickus spells to destroy the castle.
Dumbledore quickly apologized to the mob, saying, “Guys, let’s settle down.” He was quickly canceled and Avada Kedavra’ed for using gendered language.
Jesus Christ is King
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