PORTLAND, OR—A hip new coffee shop has opened up in Portland’s Pearl District. Unikorn Coffee is looking to fill five part-time barista positions by next Thursday.
There’s a catch, though — you must fail a drug test to be considered for the job.
In what has been seen as a slap in the face to President Trump and his plan to drug test some food stamp recipients, Unikorn Coffee promises to make drug test failure a central virtue within the hiring process.
“The more drugs in your system,” says owner Raffiki Dystonia, “the better chance you have of me hiring you. So come on down and apply today. I don’t care what kind of drugs you are into. Heck, I promise, if anyone tests positive for all ten drugs on my test, I’ll hire you on the spot, no questions asked.”
Several Portlanders — mostly homeless — have lined up outside the coffee shop for interviews. When we asked for an application, ownership notified us that they don’t believe in such a thing because it promotes prejudice. Interviewees are simply asked to provide a drug test and a copy of The Communist Manifesto to prove they own the work of art.
The sky is the limit for Unikorn Coffee. If you enjoy working four hours a day on your feet while completely blitzed out of your mind, and then riding your bike around town aimlessly for a few hours until you finally get hungry for all-you-can-eat sushi, come on down and apply today.
Jesus Christ is King
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