Following California’s Plagues Of Darkness And Fire, Pacific Ocean Turns To Blood

CALIFORNIA—Following California’s recent plagues of darkness and fire, the Pacific Ocean turned to blood this morning, sources on the coastline confirmed.

“Well, this can’t be a good sign,” said one man as he went out and saw the crimson waves. “At first I thought it was just the old San Onofre power plant dumping out radioactive waste again, but I got closer and it looked like blood. Then, I figured it was just a murdered hobo, but there was way too much blood. You’d have to have killed at least a thousand hobos, and that hasn’t happened out here since the ’90s.”

“So it looks like it’s a sign from the heavens. Not good!”

The man then tried to rent a U-Haul, but they were sold out of their 10-foot, 15-foot, and 26-foot models, and their popular new War Rig was backordered until December. “Looks like I’ll be making this trek on foot,” he said as he put a Nerf revolver in his belt (regular guns are banned) and started across the desert.

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