Republicans Nervous Roe V. Wade Could Be Overturned, Eliminating Any Reason To Vote For Them

WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the increasing likelihood of Justice Ginsburg’s empty seat being filled by a pro-life judge, Republicans in the House and Senate are growing nervous that Roe v. Wade could actually be overturned, completely erasing all possible reasons anyone would ever vote for them. 

“We didn’t even think this would happen,” said one Republican congressman as he shooed a female escort into the limo behind him. “Yeah, we’re totally pro-life and all that. Babies are cool, so yeah, we should save ‘em, but this is really kind of unexpected. I mean, now? Why now? What if I, er… someone out there needs abo- …er, reproductive healthcare services?”

According to sources in Washington, Republicans are scrambling to find another hot-button social issue to run on. Since they have already given up their other main causes like small government and cutting spending, they hope to find something, anything decent to run on in case the unthinkable happens and Roe v. Wade is actually overturned.

“What about ice cream? You guys like ice cream?” stuttered another representative, visibly uncomfortable. “Everyone gets free ice cream! How does that sound? Uh, what about marriage? Are there any more marriage issues we can run on? Ice cream… THAT’S IT! People shouldn’t be allowed to marry their ice cream! That’s our new social cause!”

Republicans quickly drafted and passed legislation to outlaw marriage between humans and ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s sued, claiming the law was unconstitutional. Republicans then campaigned on the issue, claiming they needed more conservative justices to ensure the new law would stand.

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