CORONA, CA—To commemorate President Trump’s miraculous fight against COVID, officials at Monster Beverage Corporation have announced a brand new formulation infused with the very antibodies Trump used to fight off the disease.
“My white blood cells are the best there is, and they produce all the very best antibodies,” Trump said in an interview. “I am proud to be able to donate my blood plasma to the fine folks at Monster Beverage for this exciting new formulation. Really, really fantastic.”
In addition to taurine, ginseng, caffeine, and vitamin B12, each and every can of Monster’s new “COVID Cure” will include a few drops of precious virus-fighting antibodies from the President himself.
“Yeah, we know this is incredibly disgusting,” said Chaddicus Cornshock, a beverage scientist at the company. “But we wanted to do our part to fight the spread of this disease. Plus, we heard Trump fans will buy stuff like this.”
Bill Gates also announced he will be halting all production of his vaccine, recommending that everyone instead purchase a can of Monster COVID Cure.
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