SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In its ongoing campaign to protect the American people from the evil scourge of deadly racism, Yelp has added some new features that will help consumers discern which businesses are owned by democrats, and which ones are owned by racists. If business owners are accused of possible racism, Yelp will helpfully send a protestor with a megaphone to follow them around 24/7 and helpfully declare to everyone that they’re a stinky no-good bigot.
“Here at Yelp, we are passionate about making sure that everyone is protected from all forms of racism, misogyny, homophobia, and anything else related to conservatism,” said Jeremy Stoppelman, CEO of the company. “Since everyone who doesn’t think exactly the way we do in San Francisco is likely a racist, we definitely have our work cut out for us.”
Yelp’s website will also feature a handy map of racist business owners so that Antifa can better determine which businesses to burn to the ground first.
According to Billie Proxima, leader of the initiative, no racists will be safe. “We’re coming for you,” she said. “Whether you’re a white-owned business trying to sell Asian food, or a convenience store owner refusing to fly a #BlackLivesMatter flag, Yelp will not rest until you, your family, and your livelihood are completely destroyed. It’s for your own good!”
“We are proud to be unveiling our new hate map of hateful people showing you who you should hate,” said Stoppelman. “If the map doesn’t work, we’ll send one of our helpful megaphone-yellers to scream ‘racist’ in your ear every day until you die!” Thanks, Yelp!
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