Biden Proposes Mask That Will Cover The Entire Continental U.S.

WILMINGTON, DE—Presidential candidate Joe Biden has tried to distinguish himself from President Donald Trump in how he proposes to handle the pandemic. While Trump has refused to enact any sort of national mask mandate, Biden has repeatedly called for it. Now he’s gone one step farther and asked for a giant mask to be placed over the entire continental U.S.

“Masks work,” Biden told reporters, “and it’s time to stop giving people an option on masks. So we’re just going to put a mask on everything. Everything!”

Some scientists have spoken out against his plan, saying, “Masks don’t work that way,” but Biden said those were “bad scientists” and “the kind you ignore” as opposed to “good scientists” whom you “always obey without questioning them.”

The plan, while hailed as necessary by many progressives, has been denounced by right-wingers who hate helping others and by farmers and other people who need the sun. “Muh crops!” said one farmer. “Muh crops!”

“Come on, man!” responded Biden. “We’re trying to stop a pandemic here. We can’t worry about how you’re trying to grow pickles or whatever.”

Trump has also denounced the plan, saying that wearing a mask is something “a sissy country like Canada would do.” Trump has instead proposed putting giant sunglasses on the continental U.S. so “everyone knows we’re cool.”