Jordan Peterson Returns To Find Americans Worshiping Golden Statue Of Karl Marx, Breaks 12 Rules For Life In Anger

TORONTO—After a year-long excursion into the belly of the beast, Dr. Jordan Peterson emerged this week and was dismayed to find millions of Americans worshipping at the alter of a golden Karl Marx statue. Overtaken with righteous anger, he smashed his stone tablets containing 12 Rules for Life into tiny pieces. 

“Hey there, bucko! Woe unto thee, eh?” Dr. Peterson said to the writhing sea of reveling comrades below, his voice cracking with emotion. “You have sinned a great sin, and I don’t find any of these behaviors to be particularly useful! Did any of you even make your bed this morning? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but you’re simply not worthy to receive my 12 Rules for Life!”

With that, Dr. Peterson raised the tablets above his head and smashed them onto the rocks below. 

“Now, for this grave sin, and Lord knows it’s a bloody catastrophe, you shall all drink bitter waters!” Peterson proclaimed.

He then commanded the people to grind up the golden Marx statue into a nearby stream and drink the water.

“Drink it up!” Dr. Peterson said. “This is important negative feedback to help you avoid this self-destructive behavior and grow in competence. Right now you’re of no bloody use to anyone, and nobody wants that!”

Dr. Peterson went back into his study to write 12 More Rules for Life.