AUSTIN, TX—To the relief of Texans across the state, Governor Greg Abbott has signed a law prohibiting escaping Californians from voting after they move to Texas. Experts say this will prevent the happy and prosperous slice of heaven from sliding into the endless despair and crushing poverty of leftist policy.
“Yeah, all you weirdo Californians are welcome to partake with us in this blessed land,” said Chuck Dillon, a local accountant who dresses like a cowboy. “Bring your music and your little girly men and your avocado toast, but please leave your godless heathen communism in California where it belongs!”
According to sources, emergency legislation was drafted after it was discovered that 97% of Californians favor destroying every small business on the planet and salting the earth where the businesses once stood. They also favor mandatory gay marriage and banning all country music to avoid hurting the ears of sea turtles.
“That goofy nonsense ain’t welcome here,” said local Republican representative Carlos Juarez San Juan, a local cowboy who wears a fancy suit.
Californians have marched on the state capital to demand their voting rights back, and have promised they’ll move on to Oklahoma after they finish destroying Texas.
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