SCOTUS Installs Garage Door So ACB Can Stop In And Hear Arguments Before Dropping Kids Off At Soccer Practice

WASHINGTON, D.C.—To make things easier on the successful wife, justice, and mother of seven, the Supreme Court has installed a garage door behind the bench so Amy Coney Barrett can drive right up to the bench in her minivan while on the way to drop the kids off at soccer practice.

With the custom set-up, Justice Barrett can pull up, hear arguments, decide on constitutional matters that will impact the country for generations, and then still be on time for dropping her kids off at soccer practice.

“We’re making accommodations for Justice Barrett, as she’s the first mother of school-age children to sit on the court,” said Chief Justice John Roberts as construction crews knocked out a wall to make space for Barrett’s new drive-up seat on the court. “It fits her minivan perfectly.”

In hearing cases today, Barrett made sound constitutional arguments and asked great questions, though her statements were punctuated by phrases like “Stop hitting your sister!” and “Is everyone sharing back there?”