JERUSALEM—Authorities are investigating after witnesses accused a local religious nut named Simon Peter and several others of hosting an unauthorized super spreader event in an enclosed room in Jerusalem. Experts say the event, which was not authorized by the local Jewish or Roman authorities, may put everyone in the area at risk for infectious diseases such as leprosy.
“This is completely inexcusable,” said local magistrate Biggus Tookus. “We have found that there were at least 11 people at this event. No one’s address was recorded at the door and we don’t know where they are now.”
One medical expert named Luke is reporting that there’s a new kind of infection spreading around the city which causes those infected to speak in multiple languages and manifest strange fiery marks above their heads. Local witnesses say this new infection has spread like wildfire ever since the super spreader event.
“This is an extremely serious situation,” said Tookus. We need everyone who has information on the whereabouts of these dangerous criminals to report their locations immediately so we can send them to the galleys.”
Unfortunately, the local police chief investigating the situation succumbed to the infection himself and was last seen getting dunked in a river. Other witnesses say he was sprinkled, but the details remain unclear.
Babylon Bee subscriber Jeremy McCutcheon contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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