WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a marathon campaign tour across the country, Trump made one last-minute appeal to voters today with a powerful nunchuck demonstration.
“I made America great again,” said Trump. “But that’s not all I did. Over these last four years, I studied the art of war — easy. I studied the blade — fantastic. But I also mastered the nunchaku. Now America, behold my fearsome skills!”
Trump then pulled out a pair of gleaming nunchucks from a wooden case and began a graceful-yet-deadly ballet of flailing limbs and wooden sticks before a sea of screaming supporters.
“I was kind of on the fence about Trump,” said undecided voter Derf Borgenshrug. “But after seeing that powerful display of American greatness, I just may be leaning toward voting for him.”
News outlets are reporting that tyrants and dictators around the world cowered in fear after seeing the display and immediately surrendered to Trump, promising never to antagonize the U.S. ever again.
The only exception was Vladimir Putin, who is also skilled in martial arts and challenged the President to face him in a nunchuck battle on the beach at first light.
While 9 out of 10 American males thought Trump’s skills were “totally rad,” suburban housewives around the country found the nunchuck demonstration to be “obnoxious” and “off-putting.” Others are accusing Trump of blatant appropriation of Japanese culture. Trump plans to win back the housewives with his rendition of Wonderwall on guitar.
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