Entire Staff Of The Babylon Bee Commits Seppuku Over Loss Of Glorious Leader Trump

U.S.—The Babylon Bee, a far-right Christian “satire” site, which makes fake news articles designed to trick Boomers, has long operated under one goal: propping up President Donald Trump and attacking his enemies. Now that Joe Biden is sitting on an electoral win with a recount unlikely to overturn it, The Babylon Bee saw this as failing its beloved master and did what seemed to be the only honorable option left: committing seppuku.

“Satire exists for one purpose — to further your political goals,” said The Babylon Bee editor-in-chief Kyle Mann, “but our satire has failed our master, Trump. We made fun of AOC. We made fun of Biden as sleepy. We made fun of AOC again. But it was all for naught, for Trump was not reelected. Now all we have left is to die with honor!” Mann then plunged his tanto blade into his belly.

“Hey!” said Ethan Nicolle, The Babylon Bee’s creative director, “you were supposed to tell me how to do it before you did it! Aw, man; now I have to google it.”

Soon, though, the entire staff had successfully committed seppuku, allowing the site to finally have the honor it had never achieved through its lame attempts at conservative humor. Many on the left, though, condemned the ritual mass suicide as “cultural appropriation.”

“I guess that’s it,” said The Babylon Bee CEO, Seth Dillion, sipping a Mojito as he sat by the pool at his mansion built with satire money. “I bought The Babylon Bee for one purpose: to help elect Republicans. But it couldn’t even help reelect the greatest president ever. Now there is nothing left. I guess I might as well do the honorable thing and join my staff in committing seppuku, too.” He took another sip of his drink. “Eh, I’ll get to it tomorrow.”