SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom has already released numerous rules limiting Thanksgiving celebrations and has now announced his latest instructions for Christmas: tell children that Santa Claus died of COVID-19.
In order to help parents break the sad news to their kids, Newsom organized a somber press conference where he announced Santa’s tragic end.
“Sorry kids,” he announced in a very sad voice while oddly smirking at the camera. “Santa’s gone. COVID got him. That’s what happens when you don’t wear a mask!”
“There’s just no way to have a safe Christmas celebration,” Newsom later told the press. “The best course of action is to tell children that Santa is dead because he is one of those crazy right-wingers who refused to wear a mask, and now Christmas is canceled. This will also help you save money on Christmas gifts — which you’ll need to do in case we have another lockdown.”
To help back up this story, malls, instead of offering pictures with Santa, will have a Santa memorial where two people at a time (wearing masks and living in the same household) are allowed to lay a wreath.
Newsom also listed some rules for a limited Christmas celebration. Nativity scenes are allowed as long as they are not visible from the street and everyone in the scene is wearing a mask (with no exceptions for baby Jesus). Singing is allowed only while wearing a mask, and the only song allowed is Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
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