It’s a plague on our nation: homeschooling. From religious weirdos to dummies who don’t think the public school system is teaching us English very good, parents are flocking to homeschooling in droves.
But you don’t have to sit idly by while kids in your neighborhood suffer. You can be on the lookout for kids who are homeschooled, so you can be sure their weirdness doesn’t rub off on your kiddos. Here are ten easy-to-recognize warning signs that someone in your community is homeschooled:
1. They can do simple math problems in their head. This is an obvious one, but if they don’t have to take their shoes off to do 5×6 or 9+2, they’re probably homeschooled.
2. They read books. Also, they know what a book is.
3. They use big words and phrases like “Hello” and “Greetings, good sir, what a jolly fine day it is.” This one’s a toss-up: they’re either homeschooled or British. If they have a pipe and monocle, they’re probably just British.
4. They snort in derision whenever they hear the phrase “Millions of years ago…” Eye-rolling also occurs from time to time, or they respond with, “Well, actually…”
5. They count all the way to 10 during hide-and-seek. Public school kids often start mumbling around six or seven, which are toughies.
6. They put “science” in air quotes. Whenever they talk about “science,” look for the tell-tale air quotes and mocking tone.
7. They think “Fortnite” is a reference to a two-week period of time. As it should be.
8. On the girls, the floor-length denim skirts are a dead giveaway. If it’s a boy wearing a denim skirt, then he’s definitely a public-schooler.
9. When they hear “Homer,” they think “Iliad” rather than “Simpson.” To be honest, they’re not even sure what The Simpsons is.
10. They are polite, thoughtful, and well-adjusted. This is a sure sign of a homeschooled kid. Dangerous and terrifying.
Remember, if you see something, say something.
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