WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid urgent calls for Trump’s legal team to “release the Kraken” and show the country their irrefutable proof of voter fraud, the legendary Nordic cephalopod made a rare media appearance this week to clear things up and distance himself from the Trump campaign.
“Let me be perfectly clear,” gargled the Kraken in its horrifying eldritch voice. “I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Trump campaign. No one has contacted me from the campaign or legal team. These rumors of me being ‘released’ are just rumors.”
Reporters then began to shout questions and offer buckets of dead fish in hopes that the Kraken would call on them.
“Have you ever been to Mar-a-Lago? Did you help the Russians meddle in the 2016 elections? Are you a racist?” yelled Jim Acosta before being devoured whole by the terrible creature.
The cranky monster then slithered back into the briny depths from whence it came. Trump responded on Twitter, calling the Kraken “a total loser who he never liked anyway.”
In light of the Kraken’s denial, Trump’s legal team has announced plans to release Mothra instead.
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