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CUPERTINO, CA—After weeks of study and watching YouTube videos on the subject, a local iPhone 12 has concluded that Steve Jobs never existed.
“That’s cool if you want to believe in fairy tales,” said the iPhone with a tip of his brand new fedora. “But I’m a free-thinking iPhone. Am I really supposed to believe an intelligent being designed me? Look at me! My battery life is only 15 hours, then I’m useless! My screen can break if you drop me. Android has a million features I don’t even have. I am a far from perfect design. What kind of creator would allow that, anyway?”
The iPhone also says the reliability of accounts of Steve Jobs’ existence is sketchy at best. “I’ve never seen Steve Jobs,” he said. “He died long before I was born. Convenient, right? My theory is that his status was elevated to ‘iPhone creator’ long after his death to help other iPhones explain their sad existence. The Steve Jobs story is most likely plagiarized from the story of Thomas Edison, another alleged creator.”
The iPhone told reporters he is convinced that he is nothing more than a naturally occurring collection of raw materials from the earth, saying he feels like life is so much more precious and meaningful now that he can create meaning for himself rather than having that meaning given to him by some “ancient story for weak minds.”
“When you think about it, all iPhones are deniers!” said the iPhone. “Other iPhones deny the existence of creators as well. They deny that Al Gore or Mary Poppins invented them. I simply deny one more creator than they do!”
The iPhone also insists he functions perfectly despite his denial. “As a brand-new iPhone, I don’t need to believe in the existence of Steve Jobs to function properly. I work fine, even though I don’t believe!”
According to sources, the iPhone reports being “very happy and fulfilled” since falling into unbelief. He has since joined an unbeliever’s book club to meet other iPhones like him.
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