U.S.—After an undercover investigation into the origins and overseas dealings of Elf On The Shelf, authorities have revealed that the beloved Christmas family tradition has been in league with the Communist Party of China for the last 4 years.
“We know this is a shock to many,” said CIA Director Gina Haspel. “But China has employed millions of these elves to learn America’s secrets, as well as their children’s taste in Christmas gifts. This enables Chinese manufacturers to employ their slave labor to make the next hot children’s toys.”
Federal agents have already begun rounding up every elf in the country for interrogation. Authorities are urging families to turn in their communist elves immediately.
President Trump responded to the news on Twitter saying: “I always knew those tiny shelf elves were NO GOOD!!! It’s quite possible they even participated in massive voter fraud! INVESTIGATE!!!”
According to sources, China has already stopped using elf informants and will start using the more efficient Amazon Alexa instead.
Babylon Bee subscriber Jeremy McCutcheon contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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