WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning miracle, congresspeople just emerged from negotiations over 2.3 trillion loaves and fishes, somehow turning the trillions of morsels of food into enough meals for just five people.
An exhausted Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) held up the small basket so crowds of unemployed citizens could witness perhaps the most historic event in the history of mankind, in which countless loaves and fishes given by those same citizens were magically transformed into, like, four or five measly meals.
“This is significant,” noted a sweating Pelosi, surely weary after working nearly 40 hours per week for what must have felt like three weeks. “You won’t find anyone in history who could pull off such a biblical feat.” The representative from the utopian state of California then pulled from the basket a coupon for $5 off at Applebee’s and held it aloft before the jobless masses.
The legislators then negotiated with multiple government administrations to oversee the distribution of the basket through the crowd standing directly in front of them. Distribution of the food cost billions, according to official reports.
The lone recipients of the divine intervention—a family of five—tearfully praised their democratic representatives for taking a mere seven months to perform such a miracle. “I don’t know what to do with all of this food,” said the husband. “The government has provided my family with enough to last, I don’t know, maybe two days. Praise heavens!”
His wife, overcome with joy, added, “Wow, whichever economic theory advocating that the means of production, distribution, and exchange be owned or regulated by the community as a whole, which inevitably cedes all powers and freedoms to a bloated, inefficient, and corrupt centralized government, works way better than the dumb system in which a government allows for citizens to take control of their own lives through private ownership, personal responsibility, and providing honestly for their families.”
“Our work here is done,” said Senator McConnell as a soft glow surrounded his countenance. “Now we must go to our place of rest for a time until the needy of this country call for us again. Farewell!” The senator and other legislators were then taken up into the heavens by private jets to far off vacation destinations.
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