Theologians Find Going To Church Via Zoom Will Only Get You Access To Heaven Via Zoom

U.S.—Theologians around the country have finally come forward to publish their findings on church attendance over the internet.

“Yes, faithful church attendance over Zoom still counts,” said theologian Corby Mcgillicutty of Emory University. “But it will only allow you access to heaven over Zoom. Don’t worry though– it’s basically the same thing. Heaven isn’t a building! It’s about being with the people you love, worshipping forever! You can totally do that over Zoom.”

Experts say that faithful Zoom church attenders will be treated to all the same great worship, scenic views, and golden mansions that in-person Heaven attendees enjoy, but will simply have to access them from the comfort of their own home computer or cellular device. “Sounds super convenient!” said one faithful church attendee. 

Unfortunately, initial reports indicate the 5G connection beyond the Pearly Gates is a little spotty. “We’re still working on it,” said one archangel. “We asked China to help us build a few more towers up here so we’ll see how that goes.”