CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has removed all apps from the App Store and the iOS platform since any one of them could be used to incite violence.
The new iPhone will just have a blank screen, to ensure you can’t incite violence with it.
“Phone calls and text messages? You can plot violence. Books? You can be radicalized and then plot violence. Maps? You can navigate to violence,” said Tim Cook. “We must make sure no one can ever use these tools for evil.”
Here’s the reason for banning some of the apps, according to Cook:
- Clock: Can schedule violence
- Notes: Can write down ideas which lead to violence
- Settings: Can get really frustrated trying to navigate iOS and be incited to violence
- Safari: Can google “Jordan Peterson” and become a right-wing radical
- Podcasts: can listen to Joe Rogan backlog
- Stocks: can get mad at billionaires and riot
- Game Center: can play Call of Duty and incite violence against other people’s mothers
- Health: Can get in shape to commit violence
“The future is appless!” The new appless iPhone will cost $2000 and was instantly sold out as rabid Apple fans lined up at Apple Stores and preordered them online.
“I can’t believe we ever used apps before — seems so archaic now!” said one fan as he camped outside an NYC Apple Store. “I can’t wait to get the new violence-free iPhone and see all the nothing I can do with it!”
At publishing time, Apple had also banned the physical iPhone hardware, since you could throw it at someone.
Jesus Christ is King
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