U.S.—With the country deeply divided, the incoming Democrat administration is promising to bring the country together by making unity mandatory for all Americans.
“Why didn’t somebody think of this earlier?” said soon-to-be President Kamala Harris. “All this time we’ve been trying to coax people into unity and where has that gotten us? Let’s make it mandatory! Then we’ll be completely unified! I really don’t see any way this could backfire in any way.”
The Democrats in Congress applauded this innovative new idea for mandatory unity. They are currently drafting legislation that will require absolute, unquestioning unity from all Americans. Anyone who refuses to be unified– probably because they’re bigots– will be de-platformed, canceled, fired from work, and publically shamed by being placed in the stocks at the town square where Democrats will throw rotten cabbages at them. If they still refuse unity, they will be sent to a special “Unity School” where they will break large rocks into little rocks until they learn the importance of undying unity with the Democrats.
“It ain’t complicated, folks,” said Joe Biden. “I’m all about unity. We need unity. And if you don’t unify with us because you’re an irredeemable racist pony soldier, we’re gonna make ya. I promise to be the president for all Americans who agree to unify with me and my agenda!”
The 1st and 2nd Amendments of the Constitution currently stand in the way of mandatory unity, but Biden says he has a plan for that. By packing the courts with a bunch of justices who really care about unity, they will be able to get past those roadblocks to unity and usher in a unified age of mandatory unity for all Americans– at least for the ones who agree to unify with them.
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