Oh No! The First Question At The Gates Of Heaven Is ‘Are You A Calvinist Or An Arminian?’

GATES OF HEAVEN—Christians want to get to Heaven — it’s supposed to be a pretty great place — but as it turns out, it’s not as easy as getting a camel through the eye of a needle. It has now been confirmed that there is a quiz before anyone is let into Heaven, the first question being, “Are you a Calvinist or an Arminian?”

“Yeah, we want to make sure everyone was paying attention to the Bible and supplemental historical data and got all the right answers,” said an angel of the Lord, “so we have a number of questions before we let anyone into Heaven.”

Other questions include “What’s the age of the earth?” and “Which is right: premillennialism, postmillennialism, or amillennialism?” If anyone gets an answer wrong, they are instantly cast into a pit from which there is no return. “It’s a bit like that bridge scene at the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” explained the angel of the Lord. “In fact, it’s exactly like that.”

The angel of the Lord says a lot of the people are surprised by the questions, but they shouldn’t be. “Yeah, you wouldn’t believe how many just say, ‘What’s an Arminian?’ But these questions are all obviously very important for salvation. Otherwise, why would Christians spend so much time debating them? That would just be silly.”