Evangelical Prophets Clarify That Trump’s Second Term Will Be Spiritual, Not Literal

U.S.—Thousands of faithful Evangelicals are confused and dismayed now that it appears God’s chosen man Donald Trump may not pull out a win after all. In light of what appears to be a devastating loss where Trump won’t pull out a Kraken to defeat the forces of evil forever, Evangelical leaders are comforting their flocks with the news that Trump’s second term will not be a physical one, but a spiritual one.

“Even though Trump will not be in office physically, the spirit of Trump and of MAGA will be ever-present, moving throughout the Biden Harris administration to bring about God’s divine will for America,” said Trump-supporting pastor Robert Owens. “It will be just as if Trump is still President.”

According to Owens, Trump is simply testing the faith of his followers, waiting to see who will fall away in times of adversity. “Make no mistake,” said Owens, “Trump will be back stronger than ever. We must wait expectantly.”  

Faithful Christian Trump supporters report being comforted by this news, relieved that Trump’s spiritual second term will continue its work of making America great again, and eradicating the Satanic lizard-cannibals who run D.C.