Satan Confirms Hell Is Just House Full Of Smoke Detectors But You Can Never Figure Out Which One Is Beeping

HELL—Satan has confirmed that hell doesn’t have any fire or torture or little devils poking you with pitchforks. Instead, the place of eternal torment is simply a regular suburban house. Like most houses, it has smoke detectors, in case a fire starts. But one of the smoke detectors is beeping a low-battery warning, and you will never, ever figure out which one it is.

“Hell is actually just a pretty modest little home for you to live in, but there’s one smoke detector beeping and you won’t be able to figure out which one for all eternity,” Satan said. “Other than that, it’s not too bad. There’s food in the fridge, though it’s mostly gluten-free. We’ve got drinks for everyone, but it’s all LaCroix. And the Amazon Echo is set to play “WAP” on repeat for eternity, and no, you can’t change it.”

“But yeah. Good luck finding that smoke detector. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAAAAAA!!!”

Millions immediately accepted Christ upon hearing the news.