February 12, 2023

My 40-year-long career as a scientist in a federal research laboratory has left me with an almost inexhaustible source of topics. Today I discuss some of the absurdities of the Federal Acquisition Regulations.

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Put simply, the Federal Acquisition Regulations, affectionately known as the FAR, is a body of rules governing how federal employees procure goods and services to carry out the tasks set out for them by the powers that be. The purpose of the FAR is unassailable: it exists to protect the taxpayer from waste, fraud, and abuse.

Folks who work in the federal government have an obligation to safeguard the public purse and do their jobs as efficiently as possible. Our duty is to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. I get that. But with each passing year, this has become more and more difficult because the FAR, intended to protect the taxpayer, became such an impediment to the mission that it significantly damaged the very people footing the bill.

When I first joined the lab in 1981 with a newly minted Ph.D. in chemistry, I was told that any purchase I made for my work, no matter how small, would cost at least $120 to process ($427 in today’s dollars). Even if I needed some bolts from the GSA catalog, paperwork processing overhead was an intrinsic cost I needed to be aware of.

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One of the “services” that the processing cost bought for us was that purchasing people would source the lowest cost goods for us. We all remember the story about how astronaut Alan Shephard, sitting atop Freedom 7, could only think how each component in his vehicle had been made by the lowest bidder! Well, my Alan Shephard moment came in 1983.

Image; Drain by zirconicusso; Crumpled money by 8photo.

I had an instrument in my lab with a small radiation source. Nothing particularly dangerous but, every few months, I had to do what is called a “wipe test.” This simply meant that I wet a pad with ethanol, swabbed around the device, and measured radioactivity with a scintillation counter (a fancy Geiger counter). Back then, we did all of this ourselves; nowadays, there is a special person called the radiation safety officer (RSO) who does it.

The device’s manufacturer suggested that the best pad to use was actually (at the risk of being indelicate) a feminine pad. That’s right, a simple Kotex® or similar product. It would take three such pads to wipe around the top, sides, and surrounding area for any dislodged radioactive material. And to make matters easier, such pads were readily available from the GSA catalog. They cost only a few bucks but, of course, there would be that processing overhead each time.

The first time I ordered the pads, it went off without a hitch. The second time, however, was a different story. A few weeks later, there was a box for me in the mail room. Upon opening it, I was surprised and confused to find it contained tampons. I was dumbfounded; I had no idea why.

I quietly took the box back to my desk, careful not to let anybody else see the contents, and I called down to the purchasing agent—you know, the beneficiary of that $120 processing cost.

I asked, “Why did I get these?” He replied that they were cheaper than the pads. I said that I couldn’t use them for a radioactivity wipe test, and his reply was, “You gotta use ‘em; they’re cheaper.” Huhhh?