At present, it seems unlikely that Americans will re-elect a frail, rapidly declining octogenarian to be our commander-in-chief. Still, one should never underestimate the Democrat party’s uncanny ability to spread lies, cheat early and often, and simply steal elections by any means necessary.
Should old, senile Joe Biden somehow get re-elected, his handlers will unfortunately have to make provisions for his rapidly accelerating dementia. We’re talking simple things, like the elder shoes with huge soles and fake laces that Biden already sports.
During his next term, as it gets harder and harder for the old coot to put one foot in front of the other, his handlers should insert wheels into those soles, like the Heely’s brand shoes that kids wear. Ol’ Scranton Joe can then pretend he’s walking while Dr. Jill — or the Easter Bunny, if the good doctor’s not available — simply pushes him. The White House staff installs a long wooden ramp from the South Portico to Marine One, and voilà: you’ve got a photo op of our president briskly leaving the White House for yet another extended vacation, the floral nightmare Dr. Jill’s wearing providing all the visual distraction necessary.
Speaking’s going to be a real problem in Biden’s next term, too. He already garbles his words, yells angrily, whispers creepily, mixes up names and places, makes up apocryphal tales of personal glory, clears his throat after every third sentence…and it’s only going to get worse.
The solution? Simple. Start having an experienced translator tell us in English what poor old Joe’s saying while he mumbles in the background at reduced volume. If necessary, give the translator a printed copy of Biden’s intended remarks so the White House staff won’t have to walk anything back the next day. And since this White House speaks only to its fellow lefties, perhaps have a second person elucidate what Biden’s rambling on about with interpretive dance. Can’t hurt.
Rumor has it that way back in 2021, Pres. Biden was already incontinent, having pooped himself during a visit with the pope, causing the papal audience to run long due to the resultant wardrobe change. Whether that’s true or not, sadly, it’s only a matter of time before dementia sufferers have trouble dressing themselves and become completely incontinent.
Kill two birds with one stone, I say (or use a giant wind turbine if no stones are available). Behold: the presidential onesie!
Target, no doubt right next to its transgender gear for toddlers, has a fine line of adult onesies. Biden’s handlers should purchase a bunch and carefully paint each one with a faux blue suit, white shirt, and red tie.
Should Joe need a rapid change for any reason, his Secret Service detail could flip him into a new onesie in under a minute. And if he only did #2, the trapdoor that the finest onesies feature allows any of Biden’s minions to change his adult diaper, lickety-split. So simple, even KJP could do it!
Should word of Biden’s diaper-wearing leak out, as it were, his staff should then declare an Adult Diaper-Wearer Visibility Day, a day dedicated to erasing the terrible stigma attached to old folks who repeatedly foul their knickers. For extra political clout, they should choose December 25.
As for Biden’s appearance, it’s already poor and bound to get worse during his second term. Every candid photo of the president now shows slow Joe with his yap hanging open, drool from the corner of his mouth soon to follow. And when he opens his mouth to speak, no one can predict what nonsense will come out: trains across oceans, second helpings of Mass at a black church, conversations with dead foreign leaders, that sort of thing.
During Biden’s potential second term, his aides should just stock up on Krazy Glue and glue Joe’s lips shut whenever he’s going to be out in public. No more gaping pie hole photos, and no more bizarre utterances without his English-language translator present. It’s a win-win!
Yes, the cyanoacrylate glue’s very strong, but in ten days or so, the dead epidermal cells will have been shed, and poor Joe can go back to eating solid food again, assuming he’s still capable of eating solid food.
The presidential barber could use that same Krazy Glue to re-attach Biden’s hair plugs, as they increasingly give up the ghost and fall out. I must give props to those hair plugs, though. They look like the same ones Joe had planted decades ago!
And that blank, squinty-eyed, what-the-hell-is-going-on look Biden now favors? It’s only going to get worse, and you can’t have that if you’re the alleged leader of the free world. The, like, totally radical fix?
Glasses. Duh. I mean, glasses even make Rachel Maddow look smart!
Yes, it will be quite a challenge should the swamp somehow return a demented grifter to the White House. Biden’s caregivers will have a long to-do list: sneakers with wheels, English-language translators, adult onesies, Depends, Krazy Glue, eyeglasses. So much to do in the event of a Biden victory, and so little time. New and creative thinking will be called for — state dinners at Baskin Robbins; an outdoor escalator for Air Force One; and national addresses at two in the afternoon, after the drugs have kicked in and before the sun goes down.
Perhaps a President for a Day policy could be instituted, where each day of the week, a different W.H. staffer gets to be president, making big decisions, writing social media posts as Joe Biden, and finding new and inventive ways to call white people, Trump-supporters, and traditional Catholics evil.
Come to think of it, crusty Joe’s handlers may have already instituted that policy.
Sad fact is, the average life expectancy of the dreaded white male is only about seventy-six years. That means, before the first Adult Diaper-Wearer Recognition Day of his second term is celebrated, Joe Biden will be eighty-two, a full six years over warranty.
If I were the people currently pulling our puppet president’s strings, I would also start working on Kamala Harris’s presidential acceptance speech. Because if Joe Biden’s somehow re-elected, they’re going to need it.
Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0.
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