Joe Biden, long before he was, ahem, installed as president, pilfered and retained highly classified information in three different locations, one a presumably dust-and-spider-infested garage.
But Robert Hur, the kind of federal prosecutor we should all be so lucky as to encounter, found that Crusty Joe was much too likable and fried to ever prosecute or convict. So no charges for poor, old, senile, and likely incontinent, Sleepy Joe.
And that’s my defense for anyone triggered by my forthcoming political and social ramblings. I’m almost seventy-one, I rarely know what day it is, I worry about nothing save death and taxes (mostly death), I hit my head 1–4 times a night, yet for a former dentist, I’m fairly likable and unconventionally handsome.
So, please pretend that I, too, am as fried and blameless as our practically petrified puppet president. Because, should Funny Business, Inc. suddenly come a-knockin’, that will be my defense in court (hopefully not Judge Arthur or Juan’s court in the corrupt Big Apple, don’t mind the maggots).
So, tell me, when did it become O.K. for mentally-ill men to swing their Johnsons in a girls’ locker room? And for them to win medals and awards that should go to those of the fairer sex? And why did I labor so hard to be a serviceable b-ball player in NYC men’s leagues, when I could have simply grown my hair, stuffed my man-bra, shaved my legs, declared myself a woman and then dominated the WNBA? Hmmm?
And when did it become fashionable to hate white people, Jews, and Republicans? I thought hate was bad, and all you need is love. No?
And why does every single commercial I see, when I occasionally choose to lower my IQ by watching television, feature a host of Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity hires? Were there simply no heterosexual white couples available in a majority Caucasian nation? Or were they intentionally excluded from representation?
And why on earth would you celebrate killing an unborn baby? Couples pray to be blessed with a baby, I know my wife and I did. People spend many thousands of dollars trying to bring life into this world, while others look the other way as butchers in white coats dismember the most vulnerable among us.
Do it if you must. But don’t call it reproductive health care, that’s grotesque.
And could our government be any more corrupt, inefficient, or wasteful? Don’t you trust your average sanitation worker, house painter, or Uber driver much more than the porcine clowns cozying up to the feeding trough in D.C.? And when our Uniparty talking heads flap their gums about how they’re trying to help, doesn’t it just make you sick? Your omniscient, albeit deeply flawed, narrator will be there to help you long before any of those political poseurs consider moving their ample posteriors on your behalf.
Speaking of big butts, what’s with the push to glamorize obesity? When did fat become fabulous? Who buys that nonsense?
I’ve been skinny, just right, kinda chubby, and a major lardbutt. And though I’m neither skinny nor a major lardbutt at present, less fat is clearly the way to go. Just ask the now almost-defunct Sports Illustrated Swimsuit staff. Or ask a physician you can trust.
Speaking of MDs you can trust, who’s apologizing for the terrible damage done by the governmental/public health response to COVID-19, a bug that wee Tony Fauci helped fund, and then tried to blame on a culture that consumes bats and pangolins? No one?
And who’s apologizing for a failed vaccine that neither stops the acquisition nor transmission of the disease, yet did and continues to do damage to an untold number of trusting souls across the world? What’s that, you say? No one?
And the Deep State/D.C. Swamp creatures who abused anyone questioning the absolute absurdity of closing schools, wearing mostly performative masks, ruining businesses and lives, standing a capricious 6-feet apart from your fellow man, and leaving the dying to expire all alone? Will they ever be taken to task for their knowing perfidy? (Hint: not on your life!)
And how about all those college students who probably don’t know what 11×11 equals, or can’t distinguish a gerund from a gonad, or who conflate Taylor Swift with Jonathan Swift, bravely standing up for the terrorists who raped, tortured, and killed thousands of Israelis on October 7th?
Could they be any more out of touch? Or spoiled? Or pathetic? Methinks not.
Speaking of pathetic, who among you believes anything the sad, servile mainstream media parrots? Do they not lie as easily as they breathe? Are they not completely predictable as to how they will deal with a given circumstance? Are they not foul creatures fully under the control of the D.C. swamp?
They are.
I see, read, or hear anything, in my diminished state (in case the FBI, the CIA, or Robert Hur is listening in), and I assume that it’s a lie, a falsehood, an obfuscation, or a misdirection. You should, too.
And who’s responsible for allowing anyone and anybody to simply waltz into our country, unknown, unvetted, and possibly undesirable? Do the folks permitting this allow just anyone to waltz into their towns, their country clubs, or their homes? No, silly! They only expect it of you.
And why do today’s movies absolutely suck? Why are we forced to choose between Aquaman V: The Ultimate Sashimi and Ghostbusters: Transgender Terminus? Are you not entertained? Can’t you come up with anything that hasn’t been done before?
And what’s with all those female starlets with fake breasts, faux lips, phony eyebrows, and counterfeit teeth? Could they be any less genuine?
And what’s with our so-called president, a sad, desiccated husk a mere decade older than moi? Should someone ten years older than me be in charge of anything? No.
Should someone with considerably less intellectual firepower than me be running the show?
Of course not.
Should a guy who can barely walk, talk, read a teleprompter, or control his bowels, be steering the vaunted ship of state?
Of course not.
I may be old—which I hope whichever Democrat politician, district attorney, or judge who decides to come after me understands—but I’m not stupid.
We now live in a Bizarro World, where up is down, black is white, boys are girls, and right is wrong. Words are violence, violence is mostly peaceful protesting, silence is complicity, and you are the problem for noticing how wrong it all is.
Myself, I’m frankly not that upset.
For America truly was great for most of my life, my time on Earth is now short, and yet I know, at 71, exactly what 11×11 equals.
And for any libs, Feebs, or dweebs listening in to my diatribe, please know that I’m fairly old and can’t be trusted.
My legs are gray, my ears are gnarled, and my eyes are old and bent.
But not as bent as you.
American Thinker
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