We just survived a very long election year. For those of us who covered the political slog known as the Iowa caucuses — The Hawkeye Cauci, as El Rushbo used to call the quadrennial parade of pretenders and contenders — it was even longer. I have the bonus wrinkles and additional gray hairs (beyond the ones my kids and the ravages of time have put there) to prove it.
The outcome was going to make one side or the other really happy or really miserable. But at the end of the day, the ultimate winner or loser would be the republic the factions have been sparring over, against George Washington’s admonitions, for the better part of the last 250 years.
I’m proud to report the republic won — this time.
That’s not to say the exceptional, shining “city on a hill” is no longer in peril. Like rust, the left never sleeps. So liberty warriors, too, must remain wide awake.
But we certainly have an abundance of blessings to count following America’s latest political war. A cornucopia, in the parlance of the Thanksgiving holiday. And if we hope to keep this republic so richly blessed by our Creator, it is right to give our thanks and praise.
So here I humbly submit an abridged list of the many things we can truly be thankful for this post-election season.
- Competence is back in fashion after four years of bogus “border czars”, DEI hires, and a mashed-potatoes-cognition commander-in-chief. You could say we literally dodged a bullet.
- We will no longer have to hear Kamala Harris tell us over and over again that she “grew up a middle-class kid,” in a “middle-class family,” with “middle-class roots.” The folksy campaign messaging was as awkward as it was untrue.
- Now only Minnesota will have to suffer with the absurd narrative that Tampon Tim Walz is a real man, man’s man, regular guy. Maybe Captain Flannel will now have some time to learn how to properly load the gun that he never carried in war.
- We’re looking at four years free of men pretending to be women in key executive branch positions. While we can’t say the same for Congress, we’re fairly confident high-end luggage is safe from pilfering by government employees at airport carousels for the time-being.
- God willing and the creek don’t rise, we’ll have very few, if any, pop-ins from Volodymyr Zelensky. I think we all could use a break from the Ukrainian president lecturing Americans about why they should keep their checkbooks open to his military. Speaking of his military, enough with the olive-green sweatshirts and fleeces, Volod. You’re not fooling anybody.
- Oprah, Michelle, Beyoncé and Taylor are all going away now, at least off the campaign stage, back to their multi-million-dollar estates and free-market blessings. They were so badly beaten by Lee Greenwood, Joe Rogan, Kid Rock and the Hulkster, and I couldn’t be any more grateful.
- We just dodged four very long years of cringy word salads and constant cackling. “Culture is — it is a reflection of our moment in our time, right? And in present culture is the way we express how we’re feeling about the moment,” as Vice President Kamala Harris was fond of saying, for reasons not clear to anyone. Crisis averted.
8. Joe, Corn Pop, and Uncle Bosey will finally take a much-needed rest.
9. Mayor Pete has been sent packing into extended maternity leave.
10. We’re free of Second Gentleman Doug, and spared from First Gentleman Doug. He’s so mad about that he could just slap someone.
11. Long live the Trump Shimmy.
12. On Jan. 20, 2025, America will truly be unburdened by what has been.
Matt Kittle is a senior elections correspondent for The Federalist. An award-winning investigative reporter and 30-year veteran of print, broadcast, and online journalism, Kittle previously served as the executive director of Empower Wisconsin.
Jesus Christ is King
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