Mom loneliness is real. Maybe you’ve found a good man and borne his children, but your extended family lives too far away to help. Or you’ve had a few kids in rapid succession and your life feels out of control. Who will pat you on the back and help you figure out how to juggle multiple small people’s many, sometimes simultaneous, needs?
The answer to mom loneliness, we’re told, is finding other moms, especially those with similar values. Certainly, peers who “get” your life stage can be sanity-savers when the (baby) poop hits the fan, especially when it hits at 2 a.m. and follows two hours of cluster feeds.
But solidarity isn’t all that moms, especially young moms or moms of young children, need. They also need tangible help and sound advice from people who have been there and done that.
For that, they can build a grandma tribe.
As the name implies, grandma tribe members are often your parents’ age or older. I’m 35 and have four children, ages 1 through 9, with another on the way. We met our inaugural grandparent tribe members, a married couple then in their mid-50s, seven years ago through church. She was the parish secretary, and they sat in the pew behind us.
Around six years ago, we started to occasionally get together with her first, via a weekly playdate she organized at the parish center, and then with both of them plus our pastor through a monthly supper club. Their one grandchild was just a twinkle in God’s eye at that time, and gradually they became like godparents to our children.
When I got in a serious car accident three years ago while 28 weeks pregnant with our third, they were the first call to watch our kids so my husband could be with me at the hospital. When that same baby was 10 days old and I started bleeding heavily, they came at a moment’s notice to be with the older kids while we went to get it checked out.
But grandma tribe members aren’t just non-family emergency contacts. Nor are they babysitters. They’re closer to surrogate family members. Our “GT” members have very different gifts and abilities and availability of time to help, but all of them love our children and accept that young kids can be unruly and even downright unpleasant to be around. By recognizing this basic fact of life and not taking their antics personally, each of these people teaches me something vital about how to approach my own motherhood.
Far from being second-string fill-ins for close familial relationships, our grandma tribe members can usher in healing and grace. While I don’t call any of them regularly for advice, watching them interact with my children teaches me over time how to love, without the insecurity or comparison that sometimes arises when watching peers parent their own children. I can receive what these grandma tribe members generously offer.
That’s all well and good, you might say, but what do grandma tribe members do other than swoop in for childcare during emergencies? Our first two members periodically watch our kids so my husband and I can go out for a meal (though we also have a high school-aged babysitter for more regular date nights) or so I can run errands by myself. Miss Moo-leese (my 3-year-old’s pronunciation) comes over once a week for an hour and a half and plays with all the kids, indoors or out, depending on the weather. When my big kids helped me with Christmas baking in exchange for money to buy presents, Moo-leese watched the little boys at her house for several hours. Her grandchildren are grown, and her husband died several years ago, but she doesn’t sit alone at daily Mass because my son sits with her, whisper-demanding candy (Altoids).
Miss L, a retired early childhood development specialist, has grandchildren out of state and often travels to be with them. When she’s home, though, she comes for an hour on Fridays to read aloud to my kids. Miss R is a retired schoolteacher in our neighborhood with out-of-state grandchildren as well, plus a lively social calendar of church and civic involvement. When she’s around, she does craft time with my big kids (an answer to prayer as my own artsy-craftsy talents are quite limited).
This summer, a grandma-aged woman in my neighborhood who has no grandchildren of her own started letting my big kids “help” her walk her dog a couple of nights each week. It got out both their wiggles and their words (which are many!), and it helped them grow in independence; they joined her as she walked by our house and then walked back home by themselves. Miss G is a single woman in her early sixties who loves children. I met her through a friend, and she joined us for Easter and Thanksgiving dinners this year. She comes over occasionally to talk and play games with the big kids.
In your church, neighborhood, and community, through new or old connections, potential grandma tribe members exist. My younger sister launched her own grandma tribe recently with a woman who was her course adviser in college and with whom she reconnected in a Walmart parking lot! Look for women or couples with big hearts, perhaps with no children or grandchildren who are grown or far away. Watch for what they do have to give rather than what they don’t. I consistently start by asking, “Who can help me and what can they help me with?” rather than, “What do I need help with?” Asking them to operate from their strengths and gifts increases the likelihood that they’ll help, especially consistently.
You may tell me there’s no one like that in your life right now. You might be right, or you might just be unaware of them. Praying specifically to be shown who can help you is a good idea. Now that you know what you’re looking for, your reticular activating system (the part of your brain that sees every Honda Odyssey on the road after you buy one yourself) can help too.
Even if your family can’t help you in the ways you’d like or need, you’re not out of options. Is it time to build your tribe?
Jesus Christ is King
