The New York Times Wants Mothers To Bow To The Fear Of Regret. Christ Has Something Better
Last week, The New York Times published in its opinion section a video by “filmmaker” Shaina Feinberg posing the question: “Is it possible to be a great mom and have a great career?” This question has purportedly “plagued” Feinberg.
According to a short synopsis alongside the video, Feinberg’s mother “dreamed of a successful career as a performer,” but “then gave up those dreams to raise her daughters.” The Times describes this decision as a “loss” that “still haunts” Feinberg’s mother.
The video opens with Feinberg introducing herself as a “filmmaker” and “also a mom.” She presents herself holding a microphone in one hand and a baby in the other — although the child is held at such an awkward, chaotic angle, he looks like he is about to fall out of his mother’s arm.
Feinberg explains how “rejection after rejection” and a poor “work-life balance” amid motherhood caused her to consider “following in [her] mom’s footsteps” by “giving up” on her career as a filmmaker. However, “quitting fills me with anxiety,” she says, “because of an intense feeling of loss I felt for my mom growing up.” (In the video, Feinberg’s mother admits during an interview with her daughter that she regrets not becoming a performer after becoming a mom.)
“I spent my life determined not to live with the regret that continues to haunt my mom,” Feinberg says.
Feinberg was about to throw in the towel when she met Joan Darling, an American actress and TV director, who Feinberg views as a sort of foil to her mother: “Unlike my mom, Joan was a career woman. She had no kids. And today, she has no regrets.” According to the Times, the childless 90-year-old became “Ms. Feinberg’s unexpected life coach on work and motherhood.”
The video details how the two spent “three days filming together,” and Feinberg said the experience made her feel “like a whole person” “for the first time since having [her] kids.” In the entirety of the video, only one quote is highlighted as an obvious takeaway or turning point message, and that is the advice that Joan gives Feinberg, apparently during their three-day film fest:
“The only thing that matters is the quality of your experience. F-ck the container. Got it?” Joan Darling tells Feinberg.
The video concludes with Feinberg essentially crediting Joan for her decision to prioritize both her career and her kids, and she presents herself as a sort of happy medium between her mom and Joan. But it’s Feinberg’s final quote in the video that makes the viewer question to what extent she is really choosing motherhood at all:
“Will my children grow up to make films about how they took a back seat to my career?” she asks. “I guess that’s just a risk I’m willing to take.”
After basically admitting that her own’ mother’s regret has been a primary driving force in her life, Feinberg seems to be saying she does not care whether her own children grow to resent or regret her. It’s a “risk” she’s “willing to take” — apparently as long as her own fulfillment and “quality of experience” are not compromised.
It’s worth asking: Did Feinberg choose her children and her career? Or did she choose herself?
The Fear Of Regret Is An Unforgiving Master
In the case of Feinberg’s video, the Times’ message to mothers ahead of Mother’s Day is one that has been running rampant for decades: You can have it all and be anything you want to be. But also, if you don’t have it all, or if you sacrifice the corporate ladder for a less glamorous life, you’re doing it wrong and will regret it for the rest of your life. Notably, this messaging is not just confined to leftist outlets. In recent months and weeks, it has clearly made its way into conservative circles — disguised as family-oriented but nonetheless implying that if a woman does not have everything she wants (or a backup income on the side), she is “settling.”
My goal is not to claim that Feinberg is a bad mom or shame her for continuing to pursue filmmaking. From the video, it’s clear she has some sense of devotion to her children and family. My goal is also not to imply that women and mothers should not work. Whether it’s full-time, part-time, or a side hustle, I know of multiple diligent mothers who balance work responsibilities well while striving to nurture their families.
But the danger of this narrative is that it reinforces the belief that, as Joan Darling put it, “The only thing that matters is the quality of your experience.” This statement is, on its face, a call to live an entirely self-centered life. After all, if a quality experience is all that matters, how could we live any other way? But, even more concerning, it is also a call to constant questioning, deconstruction, and self-evaluation: “Am I receiving the highest quality experience possible?”
We should challenge ourselves to grow and try new things, but there is no freedom in constantly questioning your existence, wondering if your achievements are good enough by some vague feminist standard. The Times, corporate media, and our sexual revolution-hijacked culture call it empowering, but a life lived obsessing over earthly experiences is really just a life lived in fear of regret. (Again, Feinberg admits this is one of her primary motivators: “I’ve spent my life determined not to live with the regret …”)
Of course, this does not mean we go through life making bad choices we know we will regret later. But we were also not created to overanalyze every potential life decision and determine on our own strength what will fulfill us. Not only is this mindset paralyzing and a recipe for resentment, it’s idolatry, tempting us to enthrone and worship our individual human interests above all else.
I am not yet a mother, but, as a daughter, I am thankful for parents who taught me that this world is not my home, who showed me that earthly achievements, “experiences,” and self-fulfillment are not what I was made for. I grew up being reminded that each day has enough trouble on its own to worry too far into the future (Matthew 6:34) and learning that, while life is a gift from God, our time on earth is “hevel” — a vanishing vapor here one day and gone the next (Ecclesiastes 1). When hard times came for my mom and dad, I witnessed them not become paralyzed by indecision, but fall on their knees and pray: “God, show us where you want us to go.”
Now that I am grown, how freeing it is to know my life is not my own — I was bought at a price (1 Corinthians 7:20-24) and am dependent on the Father through Christ for each next step. What a joy it is to learn to trust that He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:6), because He has the words of eternal life (John 6:67-69).
The saddest part about Feinberg’s story is how she portrays her mother — the only thing the viewer learns about her is that her life is “tinted by regret.” Sure, the video offers only a small glimpse into their relationship, but she is set up as a sort of case study of what Feinberg wants to avoid, as someone who didn’t figure out how to have it all.
I am sure there are things that my parents wish they had done differently. I know they have sacrificed childhood dreams and aspirations for the sake of my siblings and me. But their sense of worth and purpose is not defined by a career path, or even by how “successful” they have been at parenting. Their perspective is an eternal one, submitted to Christ as Lord of their lives — a shield that has protected our family from potential resentment and the fear of regret.
I pray Feinberg, her mother, Joan Darling, and mothers and daughters everywhere feel freedom this Mother’s Day from the burden of “quality experiences,” reassured that there is deeper joy and fuller life found in surrender.
Jesus Christ is King
