2025

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put…

LANSING, MI—Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle’s funeral reception said “Party Size!” on it. “We’re going to need…

Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 1, 2025 More News in Photos…

A left-wing dark money group bankrolled by foreign cash donated $1 million to an organization seeking to elect leftist Susan Crawford to Wisconsin’s supreme court, a new report reveals. Campaign finance records first unearthed by Americans…

One of my favorite mental exercises of the 2024 campaign was considering what the dying news media would do if their backbreaking work to legitimize and elect Kamala Harris failed. We’ve since learned the answer. They moved on as if they…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Administration staffers were caught off guard by a painfully awkward situation today as former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg returned to the White House from his maternity leave.Buttigieg had gone on an…

If President Trump’s tariffs and threats shatter the U.S.-Canadian defense partnership, the Pentagon would lose some ability to track incoming enemy threats.Without Canada’s radar sites, “the northern approaches would be severely…

Higher education institutions in Ohio are barred from taking a stance on marriage after Republican Gov. Mike DeWine signed a law at the end of March deeming belief in the legal and religious union as “controversial.” Republicans billed the…

A new report released on Tuesday shows the FBI imposed a “gag” order in relation to the Hunter Biden laptop to conceal the truth about its authenticity from voters ahead of the 2020 election. Internal FBI chat messages obtained by…

Hamas is emerging as a growing threat abroad, especially when compared to the past, a source at the National Security Council told The Jerusalem Post on Tuesday.The remark came as the NSC issued its public assessment of threats against…