The Top 10 Darkest Days In U.S. History

Our country has seen some dark, dark days. We here at The Babylon Bee have compiled a definitive list of the darkest days in American history so we can reflect on the very dark darkness of them. May we all learn from the tragic days in our history so we will not repeat them. 

#10 – A ten-way tie between Pearl Harbor, the 1814 burning of Washington, the Dred Scott decision, the assassination of Lincoln, passing of the first Jim Crow laws, the 1929 stock market crash, the assassination of JFK, MLK’s assassination, the Battle of Antietam, and the Trail of Tears – We weren’t around for most of those, but we heard they were pretty bad. 

#9 – The day The Office left Netflix – 83% of Americans have spent the last 10 years building their entire personalities around liking The Office. When it left the world’s most popular streaming platform, millions of people were lost. Most may never recover. 

#8 – When Taco Bell Stopped selling the Gordita – To this day, we still dream of its spicy, pillowy deliciousness. Long live the Gordita. Never forget. 

#7 – December 15, 2017: the day The Last Jedi hit theatres – A day that will live in infamy.

#6 – That three-hour Twitter outage last year – We had to go outside.

#5 – That time on Friends when Ross thought he and Rachel were on a break – Maybe one of the most agonizing 15 minutes any human being has had to endure. We’ve never cried like we did that day

#4 – All the days before air conditioning was invented – Seriously– how the heck did people even survive? 

#3 – The day they changed normal gas can spouts with those stupid locking things that don’t work and make you spill gas everywhere #@!#$&%&*@$#!! – The decline of Western Civilization can be traced to this day.

#2 – California named 31st state – We reckon no event in history has been more ruinous for human civilization than the formation of California. Let us mourn and remember so that it will never happen again — like in Texas or something.

#1 – That day some rando Trump supporters ran around the Capitol for a few hours – We’re honestly not sure if this was actually the darkest day or not, but we might get canceled if we don’t put it at the top and Mark Zuckerberg is watching. Long live Zuck!