albums

ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Following a comprehensive, decade-long survey conducted by human mobility researchers at the University of Michigan, a new study published Tuesday has confirmed that hightailing it continues to be the most popular way outta…

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the…

OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television…

Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work.…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the…

Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation…