alcohol

BRAINERD, MN—Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he was cutting back from drinking six normal beers a day and would now just drink three…

SPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch” who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I…

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put…

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid damaging it. “Obviously, it’d be a…

CHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn’t like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. “Keep staring, bitch, and see…

A growing body of evidence suggests that GLP-1 drugs, which include semaglutide, the active ingredient in Ozempic, may be useful for treating alcohol use disorder. What do you think? “I usually drink wine to reduce alcohol…

Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that it’s only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think? “Been telling my parole officer this for…

Democrats and the media cried foul on Republicans four years ago when Hunter Biden’s chronic drug use emerged in the spotlight as a campaign issue. The Democrats, however, had tried to exploit the alcoholic past of a senior Trump campaign…

Who would you rather have a beer with: Donald Trump or Kamala Harris? Trick question. Trump doesn’t drink and Harris’ handlers aren’t going to let her off the leash for a drink with you, loser. But if you did somehow end up at a table with…

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption. “I have heard the pleas of average Ontarians sick and tired…