american cuisine

NAPERVILLE, IL—Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he’d been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food…

ST. LOUIS—In an effort to introduce a more satisfying version of their calcium tablets, Tums debuted a new deep-dish antacid pizza Friday that offers eight piping-hot slices of digestion aid. “Tums Antacid Deep-Dish Pizza features a…

NORTHBROOK, IL—His eyes widening as he realized there was neither a roast nor tenderloin in sight, local husband Eric Mavis reportedly expressed concern Monday over the lack of meat in his family’s shopping cart. “Wait, what are we going to…

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. “Oh my God,…

AUSTIN, MN—Touting the product as an easy, delicious way to nourish a newborn, packaged meat processor Hormel Foods introduced a new chili formula Friday for mothers unable to produce their own chili. “With Hormel’s unique powdered chili…

The American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at…

Over 600,000 gallons of red wine rushed through the streets of São Lourenço do Bairro, Portugal, after two tanks at a nearby hilltop distillery broke open and sent the alcohol rushing through the town streets below. What do you think?“It…

BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I…

OMAHA, NE—Saying the new wellness program would give livestock valuable time away from the slaughterhouse, international meat retailer Omaha Steaks announced Tuesday it would begin offering 18 weeks of maternity leave to its cows. “Starting…

PRINCETON, NJ—According to research published in the scientific journal Ecology And Evolution, biologists at Princeton University discovered Friday that the modern-day corn dog descended from an ancient aquatic sausage. “It may seem…