americanculture

LOUISVILLE, KY—After a week in which four horses at the racetrack died—in some cases suddenly and without explanation—Churchill Downs announced Friday that the mysterious deaths were being investigated by a world-renowned horse detective…

MUSTIQUE ISLAND, WEST INDIES—Expressing gratitude for a chance to finally get away from their hectic lives and actually relax for once, wealthy couple George and Jillian Wheelan told reporters Thursday they were taking a real vacation for…

President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he’ll run for reelection in 2024 despite consistently low approval ratings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of the president running for reelection.God Fact: Did You Know?OffEnglishPROSets…

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to reinforce the fundamental Judeo-Christian values upon which the nation was founded, a new law passed Monday by the Texas Legislature will require the state’s public schools to prominently display an image of God…

CABO SAN LUCAS—In a show of support forthe bride-to-be who had asked them to stand by her side on her wedding day, a bachelorette party confirmed Friday that they’d spent a combined $6,000 to end up hating each other. The party, which…

RICHTON, MS—After being reminded of the district’s zero-tolerance policy, chaperones for the Richton High School prom were reportedly instructed Friday to turn away any students who showed up to the dance with pussy on their breath. “Be on…

CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully…

“Listen—no time to explain, but in 2027, someone known as ‘Mr. Beast’ is nominated for Best Director for a film called Coincidentally Spearman. He must not win! If this happens, a timeline is created wherein billions will perish. I have to…

Following the popularity of his published manifesto, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences invited Ted Kaczynski, also known as the Unabomber, to host the 69th Academy Awards. Though many were outraged, Kaczynski’s jokes were…

“Wow, a speaker at CPAC. Pretty incredible, right? Guess Freaky Lauren isn’t such a freak after all, huh? All these important people seem to think I’m cool enough to talk at CPAC. Maybe everyone I knew growing up were the freaks? They’re…