animal

VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Faculty of Science report that the only thing that loves you without question feels the same way about tonguing its tuchus. The experiment, dubbed Project Rosebud, started by…

VANCOUVER — The look on the face of Tony, a young bulldog tied to a parking meter outside Denman Liquor, has set the Guinness World Record for sheer, profound, heart-wrenching sadness. “I don’t understand it,” said passerby Susan Armstrong,…

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to report they found nothing wrong despite a bill…

BOTSWANA – Marvin Shuttleworth, a three-year-old gazelle who proudly describes himself as a centrist, paused while being pursued by a cheetah in order to consider the predator’s point of view. Shuttleworth had recently become leader of his…

WOOD BUFFALO NATIONAL PARK, AB – Bird watchers are flocking to migratory hotspots across the country to witness the annual and literal fuckfest that is bird migration. “I’m not a pervert,” insists Leonard Moleskin, crouched in a bush,…

TORONTO – Local Cabbagetown resident Francine Dumont walks her 100 lbs Bullmastiff off leash because she’s really fucking cool. “Don’t worry, Max is super friendly!” called Dumont after a young mom with her toddler moved to the other side…

CALGARY – Traffic reports from the Morley household indicate that a massive three dog pileup is delaying multiple household commutes. “There’s fur everywhere, and you can still hear barking,” one reporter said. “Frankly, it’s going to take…

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Reports indicate the Roche family’s 8 year old labradoodle Trevor recently, stopped walking around with a blanket on his head, forcing the family to actually learn about the intimate details of each others’ lives. “Trevor…

GUELPH, ON – Researchers at the Ontario Veterinary College have published a paper containing a groundbreaking discovery: toe beans are an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE. The researchers made the discovery after the rigorous evaluation…

VICTORIA, BC – Dogs across the nation report that they know you’re having a rough time lately and they’re ready to give you whatever the heck you need, okay? “Normally, my owner wakes me up with words like ‘walk’ and ‘breakfast’,” said…