animal

VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting. The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world…

Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist Dick Jones. “I was showing my wife pictures of sea otter…

OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint has announced a black ringed two-dollar coin featuring the 96-year-old Queen on one side, and the polar bear that killed and devoured her on the other. “As many Canadians know, Her Majesty took a yearly…

EDMONTON – Rookie magician Marty Merlin has shocked and amazed onlookers at Trevor White’s ninth birthday party by removing most of a rabbit from his top hat. “Behold, Peter the Third in all his fluffy… oh, jeez, not again,” Merlin said,…

VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Faculty of Science report that the only thing that loves you without question feels the same way about tonguing its tuchus. The experiment, dubbed Project Rosebud, started by…

VANCOUVER — The look on the face of Tony, a young bulldog tied to a parking meter outside Denman Liquor, has set the Guinness World Record for sheer, profound, heart-wrenching sadness. “I don’t understand it,” said passerby Susan Armstrong,…

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to report they found nothing wrong despite a bill…

BOTSWANA – Marvin Shuttleworth, a three-year-old gazelle who proudly describes himself as a centrist, paused while being pursued by a cheetah in order to consider the predator’s point of view. Shuttleworth had recently become leader of his…

WOOD BUFFALO NATIONAL PARK, AB – Bird watchers are flocking to migratory hotspots across the country to witness the annual and literal fuckfest that is bird migration. “I’m not a pervert,” insists Leonard Moleskin, crouched in a bush,…

TORONTO – Local Cabbagetown resident Francine Dumont walks her 100 lbs Bullmastiff off leash because she’s really fucking cool. “Don’t worry, Max is super friendly!” called Dumont after a young mom with her toddler moved to the other side…